Views Of My Biological Family On Social Media

My first mom’s profile picture on a social media website is an older photo of two of her daughters; my younger half sisters, so cute, the little one is drooling and waving to the camera the older one smiling and giggling, sitting by the Christmas tree in their pajamas with beautifully wrapped presents in hand. Every time I see that picture that she has chosen to represent herself with and keeps up all year round, hurts me because I’m her daughter too and I was born five days before Christmas, 1965.

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I was her first born, given up for adoption as an infant, put in a Christmas stocking and handed over to my adoptive parents, who provided for me, but verbally, emotionally and physically abused me and forced me to be who they wanted me to be. My first mom and my first dad were 18 years old, not ready to get married and have a family; she gave me up thinking I would have a better life than she could provide. It was a different life, not necessarily a better life. She became pregnant again before I turned 1 year old. She wasn’t married at that time, but she did eventually marry and kept my half sister who was born 19 months after me. Obviously she was able to provide for and give a wonderful life to my half sisters. My younger sister even got to have a real pony!  Unfortunately my sisters did not know of my existence until I appeared 25 years ago. I was a secret my first mom wanted to keep from them. Their hearts have not opened up to the reality of me yet and they probably never will. I see on social media, through posts and pictures, the continuity of the relationships my sisters have had or continue to have with my mother, grandmother, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews…all these people who (except for two amazing first cousins who are dear to me and have accepted me with warmth and open loving arms) for the most part want to pretend that I do not exist. After being in reunion for 25 years with my first family, I’m still not included or invited to anything. I friend requested a first cousin 2 years ago and she obviously ignored or cancelled the request.  I’ve asked my first mom and relatives for copies of my ancestors photos, numerous times (and they all respond with “oh sure!” “of course!”) to no avail. I see their pictures of holidays, birthdays, weddings and baby showers, trips to Disneyland… All of these pictures and posts are reminders that I am different. They do not recognize me as being a part of them and probably never will. My first mom even told me she had no regrets relinquishing me. I feel discarded. I wish they could understand. Boy does this hurt, but I have to trudge on…the pain is just too overwhelming. I acknowledge the loss and pain (I have to be my own cheer-leader), I focus on what I do have – My amazing small family with huge love. My loving, supportive husband, my creative, smart and compassionate adult children, my dogs, the desert, nature, art, music, writing. Christmas time is my birthday, it’s a sad time. To constantly see my mother’s picture of her two daughters minus me is triggering that very real loss; the loss of my entire family of origin. My husband always tells me, “Honey, They are the ones that are missing out not knowing you.”  I guess we’ll all never have the opportunity to know. This is the real sad truth of adoption.

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11 thoughts on “Views Of My Biological Family On Social Media

  1. I can totally relate to the hurt that comes from being excluded. My natural mother has a sign in her home that says “family is forever.” What a joke! I’m actually grateful she doesn’t have a facebook page. Having your birthday near Christmastime must feel like a double whammy. I guess all we can do is focus on the big love in our lives and take it one day at a time (and keep sharing our stories!)

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  2. I am so sorry! I think more stories are like your and mine. The happy reunions are few and far between. I, like you do not think that I will ever be able to move past the complete rejection I feel from this woman and her family.
    I did not ask to be the reason for her unhappiness so many years ago, yet I’m punished by her actions and subsequent behavior.

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    • Yes, I think we are reminders of a deeply buried pain they choose to deny, so they just distance themselves from us (unknowingly hurting us)…hoping we’ll just evaporate so they don’t have to deal and they can live in their safe bubble. It’s the most painful experience I have ever known. As soon as my abusive adoptive mom died my b-mom distanced herself from me even more!!! She could have just stabbed my heart with a thousand knives!!! Thanks for commenting, Kim! I really appreciate it as I am just starting to open up and tell my stories. I’m sorry you have had a similar story. Hugs!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. My birthday just passed. Your story sounds so much like mine. I begged my father’s family for photos and haven’t received anything. I really wonder what they think of us. There’s no way of knowing. Found families don’t blog, and they sure don’t talk to me. I wonder how they can deny us, but they do. I have 4 wonderful children, and my parents don’t want anything to do with any of us. They both have other children that they love. I don’t understand it al all. Holidays are so hard, I can’t wait until they are over with!!

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    • I always look forward to the holidays being over too! And my birthday too! I know the pain of wanting a connection for our kids too. It sucks. They relinquished us and our children – their grandchildren and even their great-grandchildren…and they don’t get it, but we feel it deeply. It’s the trickle down effect of adoption. Generations are lost forever. I’m going to meet with a paternal aunt who is willing to let me photocopy some photos. She won’t let me have any originals, she said, but I can photocopy what she has!!! I’ll take what I can get. Thank you for commenting and sharing your feelings…we are in this together! Hugs!

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  4. I relate to your post, not as an adoptee, but as the first kept child of a birthmom. Im also a birthmom myself. In my situation it was I who was excluded. I see your birthmom relinquished in 1965, and that is close to when my mother did. I would invite you to have a peek at my blog, There are so many reasons you could feel excluded, and shut out, and i can help you understand the reasons why. Thank you for writing, i’m definitely listening 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Amazing story. I can’t imagine how it would feel knowing that your half-sisters were kept. I’m adopted from China so while I don’t know anything for certain, I like to believe I have siblings.

    Liked by 1 person

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